Dark realms

well last few months we have been stuck in this alwful dance with master M . the smallest things set him off hes aggressive gone back to hitting ,kicking , throwing things and biting .its so hard to not be dragged down into that darkness they are in you start to get frustrated yourself angry and down right flustered you bottle it up cause your the main parent   pull up your big person undies and push down all those dark feelings  then bedtime comes around and they go to sleep and you fall apart like a crystal vase hitting concrete . so you log onto facebook just to get some adult time to have people plastering their kids awesome age appropriate mile stones in front of your already tired eyes and then you fall  brain fills with all those "why isnt my child able to do that "  its almost like that grieving you do when they hand you diagnosis comes back with the print outs that state in black and white what autism is and how things are going to be all the text books in the world may help us but its like a war unless you have fight at the front line you wont ever really know what war is like .
when a bad week descends i feel bad cause i feel like im constantly censoring myself and plastering on that happy smile " life is perfect im fine kids are fine " laugh smile laugh smile get home  fall apart .
you get so mentaly tired it effects your sleep when your children sleep your up researching or just trying to de brief just a tiny bitt but unfortunately its allways 11pm or 2am when you lay in bed and stare at the celling just going over everything over and over in your head .
your life revolves around drs therapy appoitments research diets phone calls paper work  you build up this kind of armor against it all .
the armor it gets dented and scratched  but you keep it up and stand strong till it all becomes too much and that low blow hits and its back to stage one and you crawl back up
words such strong painful things they harm us more then people think.
i am a mumma bear i will fight for my kids till the end but even bears hibernate and sometimes ill hibernate just to get by basic housework gets done more walking is done to calm down mister M more times spent focusing on the kids to the point i dont focus on myself you start to run down then break down and respite is needed just to get back ontop like a service to a car its to keep you going
the time away is awesome you get to do all the things other parents take for granted like
1, having a shower and actually shaving your legs properly
2. Actually finish a meal without heart burn
3.get atleast your dishes washed and washing put through without stopping and starting 40 times
4. food shop without having to get your battle gear on and bag of tricks
5. go to the toilet and come out and nothing is destroyed
6.your brain gets a rest
7. you can have people visit you and your not high strung and running about the house
8.you get adult time time to act like an adult
9. you can socialize and find other parents just like you
10 . its good for your mental health to have some time to debrief and its not at 2am

in all we as carers need to take care of us at some point we are no good to our kids or anyone else if we are burnt out
we need to swallow that pride book that appoitment and get on with it acept help when offered