crawling back up when you have hit rock bottom

when i found out i was pregnant with Murray i had all these dreams of how parenthood would be how i could do it alone i was strong i would be a great mother how hard could it be right ?

well if someone told me then what i know now i still wouldn't trade in my gorgeous red headed boy but i would of found support earlier . i have struggled through it all the ups and downs the violent meltdowns the heart breaking moments when he tells me he hates me and he will kill himself then me . when you cant cuddle your own child cause  he cant stand the touch  when you start bribing and begging just to get him to eat when you stay up till god knows what time cause you are too scared to sleep or you have run out of melatonin and he wont let you sleep .the days when you just want to find a corner face the wall and cry till your body cant cry no more the downs weigh on your shoulders so heavy  and you cant escape the fall and down you go to the bottom of rock bottom and every time you scramble back up someone throws a rock down at you . its mainly family and friends who are throwing those rocks most of the time they don't know they are doing so because by now you have mastered that mask the " im fine just fine " mask and they go on about describing their days to you  their issues with their children their husbands  then when you think ok break in convosation    time to talk about my issues you are shut down before you can go indepth when you are told you are over dramatizing things and it cant be that bad he has autism cant be that bad just need to smack him more when things go wrong and food dye gets thrown at the walls cause he wants to see what would happen or when 2 kilos of flour is used to make sand hills for his cars and all you want to do is scream  back at them i need to take a toilet break too you know. i bottle it all up and then explode  i get to the point of mental exhaustion when people talk to me i start to tune out and start to not care as have 50 million things banging about in my brain at once.

i dont have a partner so at the end of the day i dont have anyone to debrief with noone to give you a hug and say its going to be ok so you start to seek out that suport and this is where my little tale takes an awesome twist.

in my darkest moments after diagnosis i stumbled across a facebook group called WA special families  and i gained some pretty awesome support  here i was a mumma of a little boy so locked into his own world and a newborn i was floundering  then i had all these awesome mums giving me tips and leting me vent and get my points across i had this awesome community backing me 100%  still do 

and really at the end of the day it all comes down to support if you have support you can climb that rope and dodge those rocks and get out of that hole you fell in 

with support you can take on the world cause its not just you its you and a community